What We Keep Beyond Death
by PaperWishes
Summary: Hitsugaya let her go the first time, when she betrayed Soul Society so many years ago. But now that the girl from his childhood has been recaptured for her execution, he'll never let her go again. They'll hold on, even at the edge of death. HitsuHina.
1. How We Deal With Pain

_"Yes, everything I did was wrong. Yes, I deserve to be killed for my sins."_

_"I know."_

_"But why do they have to punish you, too, Hitsugaya-kun? Don't they see that when one of us falls, the other does the same? Isn't that what happened when I first betrayed Soul Society?"_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. I'm just borrowing.  
**Spoilers **for both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs!  
**A/N: **I think this story may need a little bit of explaining. This story is HitsuHina, it just might take a tiny bit of your time (which I'll work really, really hard not to waste, promise!) to get there. It also is a Dark Momo fic, as in Hinamori does join Aizen. But don't leave just yet, Aizen haters! I believe in Momo and I'd never let her die without changing that first!

This story describes what ensues after the Arrancar Army is taken down. Hinamori returns from Hueco Mundo to be executed along with the other defected captains. When she reunites with Hitsugaya, old feelings still have not died. What can be done to stop her death when even they both know she's still a traitor?

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P R O L O G U E: How We Deal With Pain

**A N G E R**

Ever since she left Soul Society, there's been blizzards in Seireitei.

They all know it's _him_ that's causing the frostbitten weather; they shrink away as he passes with a chill. He knows they are whispering about him, because though their lips barely move he can still see their breath hanging in the air like a question mark.

After the first few storms he lets slip in his sleep, he knows he no longer has to suppress his fury. No shinigami, captain or otherwise, has approached him about his mental health. The Gotei 13 cannot _afford _to put him into the Fourth Division's psychiatric ward, not after losing three captains and a vice captain. His support is invaluable.

And so Hitsugaya, on nights when she haunts him the most, sheds his apathy and allows the dragon inside to rage with all his might.

Matsumoto faithfully watches as her captain becomes a different person. She may be lazy, a flirt, even a drunk, but she's no moron. She can tell the once soft-hearted, distant boy has become something one would easily liken to a machine. He's ruthless in practice. The Tenth quickly rises to the top as the most skilled in war, overpowering Division Five's kido skills and matching Division Eleven's sheer force in a matter of months. (They also become Division Four's most regular members.)

His subordinates are admittedly a little frightened when he trains. _He does it for hours, you know! _they buzz when he isn't around. _And the way his muscles constrict and snap, it's freaky. Especially on him; he's under five feet, you know! But the look in his eyes—those are the worst! They are scary, scary, scary. One has to wonder when someone like him will snap under the pressure!_

He doesn't hear them say these things, thank God.

But Rangiku does.

She presses her fingers against the rice-paper door before leaving work for the night. There's no point in waiting for him to finish; he refuses to stop filing paperwork (_refuses not to keep busy, not to stay distracted) _until sleep becomes absolutely necessary. The blonde-haired woman sighs as she slides on mittens and knots a scarf around her neck, and decides to brush off her feelings with an excuse: _My captain has finally become an adult_.

But the part of her Matsumoto doesn't have enough will to restrain whispers quietly anyway: _Hinamori's betrayal has pushed him into a maturity of terrifying magnitude._

**D E N I A L**

Four months.

That's how long she waits to awaken in her captain's arms, how long she waits for an explanation.

She feels no doubt this apology is coming, so Aizen-taicho is as good as forgiven.

But when her eyes flutter open, he is not there. The scene before her is not stained with dark browns and reds she remembered, but sterile white. Her robes are not saturated with sweat and blood, and her hair is braided neatly behind her back.

Waking up in the fourth division is something all shinigami experience throughout their lives, herself included. The bandages she feels wound around her chest, the oxygen mask enclosing her mouth and nose, and the numerous tangled wires are, put mildly, a novelty, but at least she knows where she is.

_But where is _he_?_

_Where is Aizen-taicho?_

It is night outside. Gales of wind rattle the glass in its panes. Hinamori breaths tiny, shallow breaths that cause the machines beeping around her to fuss and whine.

She opens her mouth to cry out for Unohana.

But then she hears them speaking:

"It is only a matter of time before the other divisions start telling us to pull the plug."

"But Unohana-taicho—this is only the seventeenth week! Even regulations say we wait twenty at least before taking her off life support, and she's been improving! _Please_, Unohana-taicho, don't listen to the other captains!"

Isane. Begging.

"I agree with you, Koutetsu-fukutaicho. But if she awakens, what will become of her? The man she affectionately called her captain is a traitor. While she sleeps, the entirety of the Gotei 13 is training to defeat him, along with the other defects. I have no intention of taking her off of life support, I just worry that either way, Hinamori will not meet a good end."

Momo clamps her mouth shut and squeezes her eyes closed. _I cannot scream, I CANNOT SCREAM! _Just in time, her hands fly to her sides as the silhouettes slide the door to her room open. She instinctively masks her kido to imitate an unconscious state, and regulates her breathing.

She feels Unohana pause.

_Oh, please, no. Please, please, please don't let her notice._

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

"…No, Isane, everything is alright. Replace the saline bag on the IV, will you? We don't want Hinamori-fukutaicho getting dehydrated."

"…Oh! Of course!"

As Isane moves closer, Hinamori represses a shiver. This is calling it a little too close for her tastes.

But finally the creeping moments pass-

-and they vanish from the room just before she can no longer contain her shuddering. She twitches and spasms and shoves her fist in her mouth until she senses the healers are far away enough from her room for her to release the pressure that is welling up inside her.

"Aizen is NOT a traitor!" she rasps, making sounds that do not at all resemble the words she had formed. Seventeen weeks… a third of a year. No wonder, she hasn't spoken a word in months. Four_ months, _four_ months…four months too long!_ she decides. If the other shinigami have been training this long, who knows who might have mastered Bakudo 90 or achieved Bankai! Who knows who could have become a threat to her captain while she lay there like an idiot?

_Training to defeat Aizen-taicho…to _kill _Aizen-taicho…_ It could not happen. She would not let it. Obviously there is a misunderstanding, perhaps even it is Soul Society that is in the wrong.

So she holds on tight to where her chest aches and, after only an hour of solitude, makes her escape into the deep black that is night.

**I G N O R E | I T**

"_Hinamori-san, Renji-san, Kira-san, I welcome you all into the Fifth Division," Aizen said warmly, a genuine smile on his face._

_Momo beamed. "It is an honor, Aizen-taicho."_

"_I'm glad to hear it, Hinamori-san," he replied, putting a hand on her head. "Your hair is getting long. It may be a good idea to shorten it, for safety purposes, naturally."_

_Blushing, she looked at the floor. He was right, but she would miss her hair. It was so smooth and pretty in comparison to her too-skinny body that never seemed to grow or develop, even as she got stronger. But if her captain asked…_

"_Hinamori-san? Is everything alright?" the tall man asked._

"_Yes sir!" she lied._

"_Ah… I think I have an idea." The captain turned to face his shelf and peered inside one of the boxes. While he grabbed a soft blue cloth out of it, he ran his hands over the volumes on the lower shelves and faced her again, producing two items._

"_There you go. Try putting your hair up with this. And I thought you may also want to read this book about being a female shinigami. Women weren't always allowed, you probably know. I don't know if you are the reading type, but—!"_

_She clutched the precious items to her chest and nodded vigorously. "Thank you so much! I'll enjoy this book a lot. Thank you, Aizen-taicho!"_

_She stayed up late the same day delving deep into the history of Seireitei, about the noblewomen who had dared to cross the lines and become soul reapers. But she made sure not to be late for practice the next morning, and her hair wasn't in her eyes._

_

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_

**A/N: **I hope you thought the prologue was okay! It really, really means a lot to me if you leave a review, even if it is as short as "I liked it/thought it was alright/think you need a beta." Flames will be used to roast chestnuts over an open fire and suggestions will be taken to heart. So pretty please with Soul Candy on top, review? And if you liked it...maybe even check off those little alert and favorite boxes? (Although that is too much to ask!) I'm really nervous about this fic, so I humbly implore you to leave your thoughts for me.

Nervously,  
Rowena


	2. How We Leave and Who We Leave

_"Oh, and before I go? Really, Hinamori, don't knock out the guards or anything like that."_

_"Are you referring to the first time I was put in jail?"_

_"Just stay out of trouble."_

_"I betrayed _Soul Society, _do you really think there's any other trouble I can get into?"_

**Disclaimer: **Bleach isn't mine. Not even a little bit.  
**Spoilers **for both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs!  
**A/N: **This chapter is actually more like a prologue...because there's a time skip. This happens BEFORE the first chapter! I really hope you like it. Thanks to Kalow, MicheleKuchiki, and Janet for reviewing! May you be blessed with plot bunnies (or are those bad? I'm a fanfic n00b, I don't actually know.)

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C H A P T E R | O N E: How We Leave and Who Is Left

**E S C A P E**

Though Hueco-Mundonian infiltration had been persistently described as impossible, Hinamori found her escape to be simple to the point of dissatisfaction. The sheer adrenaline rush she'd gained from slipping out from right under a captain's nose and knocking out two archive guards with kido left her waiting for a climax, even as she followed the portal-opening instructions word for word out of an ancient document.

Yes, adrenaline was something Momo had to be grateful for. She was not Hitsugaya-kun-smart (_No, no, no, don't think about him) _but had paid strict attention in the Academy. Adrenaline was the only thing preventing her from crumbling beneath the weight of her sorrow and confusion. That's why human-world movies, the kind where a couple about to die start passionately kissing , were illogical. Adrenaline turned off your regular emotional instinct and brought about a much more survival-oriented state of mind.

_It's too bad, _she thought behind the rush, _that when my emotions come back, I'll be a mess in front of Aizen-taicho._

She murmured the last words of the spell and the air before her split. Her feet moved into the portal, and she glanced behind herself, worried she might not return.

_But that's ridiculous. Once you get an explanation, you can come back and explain to Seireitei what Aizen-taicho's actual, non-traitorous intentions are. _

It was the same optimism that had guided her to the position of lieutenant. It never failed.

**G O N E**

"What do you mean, she's GONE?" a frustrated Toshiro demanded.

"Hitsugaya-taicho, I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice," Unohana requested. Though she was not fazed by his crushing reiatsu, Isane was beginning to look a little pale. "And please contain your spiritual pressure, as well. We have many recovering patients right now."

He relaxed his muscles unwillingly, teeth gritted. "I apologize. Will you explain the situation again?"

"Yesterday, we believe around nine-thirty at night, Hinamori Momo was discovered to be missing from her bed. Kidnapping is unlikely—there were no signs of a struggle. In fact, it would appear she was trying to mask her disappearance. The window was open, however."

The ancient woman still did not blink an eye. Her calmness was usually appreciated by the short-tempered boy, but when a high-level shinigami had vanished and she seemed to be taking minimal action—! Especially _Momo_, of all people! She had just come out of a coma (_and you care so much more about her than even _she _knows! Wait, shut up. Pay attention!) _and was in no condition to be doing whatever it was she was doing.

"Did you—"

"We sent representatives from the Third to investigate her home. Wherever she is, she is not planning on staying there long. There were few items missing."

"Couldn't she…couldn't she have escaped in confusion? She could have woken up and had a panic attack and run away under the stress."

"We should hope not. She wouldn't have gotten far that way, and if that situation were true…well, Hinamori-fukutaicho would have to be declared dead."

_What?!_

As Unohana reached her conclusion, her sapphire eyes finally slid shut in regret. "Her reiatsu has disappeared from Seireitei and even District One of Rukongai, where I believe you two grew up. If she is alive, she no longer remains in Soul Society."

There was silence for only a moment: the soft tinkling of three hell butterflies wafted into the room.

"_Attention all captain and vice-captain level shinigami! A portal to Hueco Mundo has been opened in the Ancient Archives! All report there with haste! Do not let the portal close, and do not hesitate to attack anyone entering or exiting it!"_

"Hinamori?" only Isane wondered outloud before the three made a break for the Archives.

**W I T H O U T | A | T R A C E**

They were the first ones there. It had already closed, but Hitsugaya couldn't shake the awful feeling that Momo was responsible.

The Twelfth Division arrived ten minutes later, and his worries exploded into a nightmare when they discovered a single, dark brown hair between the pages of a document.

**R E U N I O N**

"Aizen-sama, we have a guest," Ichimaru mentioned as they progressed down the corridor of Las Noches.

"Oh?" he replied, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yes. According to Tousen, we've been joined by Hinamori-chan. Isn't that delightful?"

"...Yes, Gin. Shocking news indeed. We aren't prepared for company, though. Is she vengeful or benevolent?" Aizen asked. They turned the corner, and he wondered what he could possibly use her for. She was supposed to be dead, after all, but if Hitsugaya ever becamse a threat again, he could always hold her as a hostage.

"Hm, Aizen-sama, d'ya really think Hinamori-chan would ever be vengeful?" Ichimaru teased. They both knew it was not hard to alter where the girl's loyalties lay, and smiled inwardly. This certainly could liven up their days in Hueco Mundo.

The pair stopped walking. At the end of the hallway, a scrawny silhouette seemed to barely be able to stand. It stumbled forward, then burst into a run. In under a minute, Momo had collapsed at Aizen's feet, breathing raggedly.

"Aizen...taicho...I...I..." she gasped. "I just came out of a coma and Unohana said--Unohana said--!"

She coughed violently, a pitiful sight for the defected captains.

"She said you betrayed. But I know you have a reason, or there's a misunderstanding." Raising her head with effort, her eyes glistened as she concluded, "Please, Aizen-taicho, tell me what is going on!" She rose to her feet, wobbling visibly.

"Hinamori-san, you are in no condition to be moving around. For your own safety, let us set up a place for you to rest. We'll explain everything tomorrow," Aizen promised lovingly, discarding the smug tone he had made a habit of using since he came to Las Noches. A coma, so that was the only way she had survived his brutal attack.

She crumbled into his arms and he sighed as he swept her off the floor. Gin and Aizen continued their casual walk and made a short detour to deposit Momo in the room she would stay in for the night: a room shared with Orihime Inoue.

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**A/N: **Okay, Aizen-haters, I promise it won't be much longer until she snaps out of it and the plot picks up speed. Explanation is so tedious, eh? I hope you liked it. And also, I cheated. I always wanted to write a fanfic where Orihime and Hinamori are both held in the same room because it would be interesting to see how their conversation played out. (Because I don't know. I never know where I'm going with anything, it just happens.) If Hinamori and Orihime don't have anything good to say to each other, I'll edit it out. Also, **reviews **make my day. I'll love you forever if you review. Tell me what you think about the plot and if you would like to read about Hinamori and Orihime meeting each other or not.

Sleepily, (I wrote this past one AM!)  
Rowena


	3. How Darkness is Born

_"You changed a lot, didn't you?"_

_"I could say the same about you."_

_"You're still smaller than me."_

_"I bet you still wet the bed."_

**Disclaimer: **Of course I own Bleach. In my basement, next to the washing machine. (-shot- failed pun)  
**Spoilers **for both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs.  
**A/N: **I'm really, really, really sorry about this chapter! It's longer, if that's any consolation. But this is the last chapter before Hinamori returns! I swear! This one is just important because it explains Hinamori's and Hitsugaya's descent into darkness. I beg for your forgiveness for being such a craptastically lengthy explainer. Thanks to Kalow and Snowy Peach Tsubasa for reviewing and following the story! You guys are awesome! And it's also late at night, so I'm rambling. Shutting up.

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C H A P T E R | T W O: How Darkness is Born

**B L I N D | F A I T H**

She awoke to two silver storms dancing in the darkness above her.

"Good morning," Orihime Inoue squeaked, pulling back. "Who are you?"

Hinamori began to answer, but as she wrenched herself into sitting position, her head throbbed and vision stretched into a wide blur. "I—" she gasped as she fell out of bed.

"Oh!" Orihime bent over the girl, doing a quick once-over. "Aizen…sama said to make sure you were completely healed before Ulquiorra came to escort you to him. I didn't realize you were so sick." A warm, orange glow suddenly spread from her hands and around Momo's body.

A few minutes into the healing process, she felt confident enough to speak. "I…I'm Hinamori Momo…and…I'm a little confused right now."

"Oh? Hinamori?" Orihime replied. "I've heard that name before. Why are you confused?"she asked as she continued her work, not wanting to frighten the girl. She knew who Hinamori was; when Hitsugaya had stayed at her house in the human world he was constantly checking for updates on her condition. She hadn't been conscious two months ago, when Orihime first came to Las Noches, so she'd either just woken up or had been kidnapped like herself.

"I…just came out of a coma, I think. And I heard Unohana-taicho—I mean, the Fourth Division's captain—saying Aizen-taicho was a traitor. But it's a misunderstanding. His intentions aren't evil. Whatever Aizen-taicho is doing, I _know _he has a reason for it. So I came here as soon as I woke up. I'll probably be in a lot of trouble with Soul Society, but they'll be relieved when they know there's no treachery going on."

Orihime bit her lip. Obviously the girl wasn't aware of the situation in the least.

"What is it? Are you all right?" Momo asked, eyes widening at the flush that had blossomed across the girl's face.

So Orihime took a deep, shaky breath explained everything that had happened, from Rukia's rescue to the Arrancar army that was under Aizen's control.

And strangely enough, Momo didn't blink an eye.

No screaming, no sudden state of psychosis, only a few tears for her friend Toshiro's injury, which ran dry when she learned of his swift recovery.

_Something is very off about this girl! _Orihime decided as Hinamori's ugly scarring faded to an even stripe of pink skin.

"That sounds terrible! I wonder what my captain's real intentions are, though. I'm sure he'll let you go soon."

Inoue smiled sadly. "Kurosaki-kun is coming to save me. I'll be free before long." She wiped away the sweat pooling on her forehead and the orange glow vanished. "All better."

"Thank you, Orihime-san!" Momo said, then paused before continuing. "Look, I can tell you don't believe in Aizen-taicho. But that faith you have in your friend Kurosaki—I have the same faith in my captain." Grinning optimistically, she added, "Though I'll admit he can make me feel so stupid sometimes! I honestly have no idea what he's planning!"

_Ah, I get it now. The same faith I have in Kurosaki-kun…well, I would feel the same way! _The thought brought about an unexpected pang in her heart. This girl was the very embodiment of innocence, and was going to be hurt by Aizen in a matter of minutes, when Ulquiorra came to pick her up.

And Inoue really, really didn't want that to happen.

"Ne, Hinamori-san?" Orihime asked quietly. "I know exactly how you feel about Aizen…sama, but…I can't let you do this. He wants to take over Soul Society. When he stabbed you, he really tried to kill you. And your friend Hitsugaya-taicho as well."

"I'm sorry." Softly and suddenly, tears began to spill down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry…because even if that were true, I would always have faith in Aizen-taicho, no matter what he were doing."

"Why, Hinamori-san?"

"There's no one else I can trust like him!" she burst, but then severely restricted her emotions. _No outbursts now; not yet!_

Orihime stood up quickly, pulling Momo up with her. "Yes, yes you can! You can trust Hitsugaya-taicho! He stayed at my house before I came here, and he worried so much about you! Please, Hinamori-san, you still have time to get away! Don't fall for Aizen again!"

"That's Aizen-_sama _to you," a cool voice came. In the doorway, a creature unlike any she had ever seen before, cast a silhouette in the doorway.

"Ulquiorra!" Orihime gasped, shying away.

"Come, shinigami. Aizen-sama has requested your presence." Turning to Orihime and just as apathetically, he announced, "You pledged your loyalty, did you not, woman? Don't defy your orders."

"Y-yes," she murmured, trying not to seem daunted.

Before she brushed herself off and followed the Arrancar, Hinamori decided on saying, "I'm sorry we feel so differently, Orihime-san. I know Hitsugaya-kun cares a lot about me, but I'll be back in Soul Society as soon as I clear things up here."

"No…you won't!" the other girl protested, and the door slammed shut in her face.

As the odd pair walked down the hallway, Hinamori was tempted to question Ulquiorra. What kind of creature was he? How was he working under Aizen-taicho? Even more so, how was a _human, _a former ryoka, even, working under the captain?

"Shinigami. Don't even think of paying the woman any mind. She's under mental stress," Ulquiorra announced, not looking her in the eye. "And don't think I'm here to help you out. Shinigami are despicable creatures."

"O…kay," came her voice when she couldn't think of a proper response.

"Here. Aizen-sama is waiting in this office." Ulquiorra pointed to a tall door. "Now go."

"Hai!"

As she entered the office, she noticed things she hadn't picked up on when she first arrived. First, Aizen's captain _haori _was missing, along with his thick-rimmed glasses. Second, she couldn't feel his reiatsu.

_Or maybe…? _Yes, that had to be it. His reiatsu was so expansive and he wasn't trying to contain it at all. It stretched over the entire castle, and who knows how far after that; she had only been _inside _its walls. Did he _want _to attract Hollows?

"Hello, Hinamori. A verylong time no see."

"Same to you, Aizen-taicho! You must know how glad I am to see you alive again, but—I…I…" she stammered.

"You want to know what's going on?" he asked knowingly.

She jerked her head up, _yes._

Motioning her over to a chair, he folded his hands one over the other. "Hinamori, you're not going to like this…but I am in fact a traitor to Soul Society. But listen still: I have my reasons, just as Ichimaru and Tousen do.

"Seireitei is essentially a monarchy. Monarchies, if you remember from your Human History classes in the Academy, were extremely successful under benevolent rule. However, there were many lazy and selfish kings, and those societies all ultimately collapsed. Then there are the few monarchs who were blatantly malignant, and that is the problem with Seireitei right now. The royal family is corrupt. No good will come of them."

Momo nodded, unsure.

"I plan on taking down this monarchy and bringing it under the rule of myself and the other two captains here. The man who brought you here, Ulquiorra, is an Arrancar. I can create Arrancar from Hollows, and they are under my control. I plan on exerting their forces to become the ruler of Soul Society. It is for the good of not only the shinigami, but even for the inhabitants of Rukongai and beyond. Hurting you the way I did was not a choice I was happy with," he slowly told her, thinking _which is not necessarily a lie_, "but I knew you were strong and would survive. I needed to seem malign to Soul Society so we would not be followed to Hueco Mundo."

This was too much. Aizen…taking down the king of Seireitei? The king she herself was working for? What evils had been going on without her knowing? What evils…perhaps had she _contributed _to as part of Seireitei's military force? Her head spun.

"Aizen-taicho, I…think I'm going to be sick," she managed before everything collapsed on her.

**D E S P E R A T I O N**

"Hitsugaya-taicho, want to come out drinking with me and Hisagi?" Matsumoto asked in her peppiest voice. Her gloomy captain needed to loosen up majorly. Today Central Forty-Six had added officially added Hinamori to the list "Wanted by the Court of Pure Souls." In essence, a bounty had just been put over her head. Kidnapping anyone on that list meant serious benefits for the shinigami responsible.

"Since when do I drink, Matsumoto?" grumbled Hitsugaya as he stared at his paperwork. He had been looking at that page for an hour. He had not signed a single line.

"Since today, taicho! Please?" she begged.

"No."

"Don't make me hug you!" she sang, and pulled him into a suffocating embrace.

With surprising force, he wrestled her off. Genuine anger flashed in his eyes. "_Matsumoto. _Out. NOW."

Guiltily, she turned to exit. Hanging on the door frame, she reminded him softly, "The offer's still good."

"OUT!" he yelled. Toshiro buried his face in his hands. He would not cry over this. He _would not cry._

_Get over it, Hitsugaya. She's been gone for a month. Just because it's official she's a traitor now doesn't mean it's any worse than it was before._

_She picked Aizen over you. You should have known. You had years to see that one coming._

_So _get over it _and get focused. If you ever want revenge, focus. Train hard. Train your division hard. Don't let _anything _bring you down._

"I already knew that, Hyorinmaru. Geez."

_Hey, that's not fair, Hitsugaya, _the dragon complained._ You're_ _the one who just thought that right now. _I _didn't say anything._

"Shut _up_, Hyorinmaru."

It was quiet after that.

He missed the sound of her voice so much it made him ache.

**A N X I E T Y**

She was choking. Her throat had closed up and she struggled for air, _in, out, in-out! _Her body was made of stone and too much, too heavy; she had to get out of it out of it _out of it! _Dread had overcome all her senses. At the same time, when Aizen (_blurry Aizen, Aizen spinning around)_ came near her she felt a strangled protest escape her throat.

"Sto—" _gasp "_I—don't come—" _gasp _"Near! I can't—I can't!" _In, out, in-out, in-out, in-out, inoutinoutinoutin! _

"Hinamori?" he asked calmly, but to her the sound vibrated and crescendoed inside her skull.

"What's…happening…to me!" she screamed desperately. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't BREATH! "I—I—" _Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm _dying. _I'm DYING! _Her blood boiled; she trembled almost spastically; her stomach heaved. And she still couldn't breathe. She needed air. Fast.

Aizen moved across the room as a blur through her tears. "Ulquiorra?" he asked, leaning out the door, "please get the medical kit." The Arrancar (_Oh, he is so scary, so scary, in-out, in-out, what is that in his hands?) _returned and crouched next to her. Too close! She struggled to move away but her legs did not listen. She felt a stab in her arm, and it became dark.

She opened her eyes again fifteen minutes later.

"Sorry about that, Hinamori." Aizen apologized. She took a ragged breath—but it wasn't hard to breathe anymore. She was fine, in fact. Better.

"You were having a panic attack."

"But I've never had one before."

"It's no worry. It was likely a reaction from when you woke up from your coma. Often mental stress gets 'put off' for later and results in sudden anxiety. I'm sorry. My words probably triggered it. I should have waited."

"No, I should be sorry!" _How embarrassing! _"I shouldn't have come here in my condition. I should go back to Soul Society now."

"Soul Society?" Aizen asked, quirking an eyebrow. "I cannot stop you, but it would be against my wishes to have such a fine subordinate become an enemy."

_Oh, right. _"Ah—sorry, Aizen-taicho. I forgot about that." _That's right. They are the enemy now…I have no other choice._

"I'm glad to hear you will be staying with us. We have a room prepared for you. We'll brief you on the full extent of our plans tomorrow, and you can meet some other Arrancar then."

"I don't mind sharing with Orihime Inoue. It's fine, really!" Hinamori protested, already feeling like a burden.

Aizen's expression became unreadable for a second. "Did Ulquiorra explain her situation to you?"

"He said she's under mental stress."

"Yes, exactly. It's too bad, but I don't want you to have to deal with that. We'll set up another room for you."

"Thank you, Aizen-taicho. I'm really glad to be back. I need a little time to think this over, but…well, how could I not help you?"

"Excellent. Your meal will be brought to you shortly."

"Hai!" She smiled wearily. It was just like the old days with her captain. _Except totally different. Except against Hitsugaya-kun._

"Quiet, Momo," she whispered to herself as Ulquiorra led her away.

**I N S A N I T Y**

Sweat beaded down his forehead as he slashed the air with Hyorinmaru for the sixty-first time. Darkness still shrouded Seireitei, but he was sick of pretending to sleep. Training would help him get out his anger.

_And help you take down that bastard Aizen._

Matsumoto noticed him on her way back from drinking. She had fallen asleep—for the second time that month—at the bar without the manager waking her up. _How inconsiderate,_ she griped as she made her way into the Tenth Division barracks. She paused at the sound of metal whistling through the air. _What nut is training at four in the morning?_

Through her hazy field of vision, she followed the frustrated sounds of battle.

Eighty-nine. He hated the air before him. It couldn't be defeated. He wanted—in a way that frightened him—to cut something (or someone) down. Not just Aizen. Anyone who stood in his way. And this air was so maddeningly thin and useless.

One-hundred-six. He should have switched arms back at one hundred. Practice ambidextrousness. But he was going so efficiently and smoothly now and his muscles weren't even tired. He kept on.

Though Matsumoto's sight was bleary with alcohol, the scene playing out before her. Her captain, her tiny, youthful captain who did not look tiny nor youthful at the moment, was slashing his zanpakuto rapidly at the darkness. His stature, his expression, even his method of training was all wrong. She couldn't put her finger on it exactly, but everything about his was akin to insanity. And it frightened her.

"Hinamori, come back," she prayed, "before he loses it."

* * *

**A/N: **Yes, ambidextrousness is a word. I made sure. Also, Momo's panic attack is not BS'd; those are legitimate symptoms and causes. But I hope it was alright. I honestly am really uncomfortable with this chapter. And Momo and Inoue didn't have as interesting an interaction as I'd hoped. But...it should be all uphill from here! And with the weekend and an extra-long Christmas break ahead, I hope you look forward to more chapters! And if you made it this far through my rambling...why not **review**? Pretty please with bishonen on top?

Fangirlishly,  
Rowena

PS: I feel SO LAME using random Japanese. I beg your forgiveness; it's an unfortunate habit I hope never becomes prevalent in everyday speech.

PSS: Woo-hoo! I now have access as a beta! Pick me! I'm such an eager, young fanfiction n00b! I'd absolutely love beta-ing! Gah. Stop writing fanfiction when you should be sleeping. Shutting up again.


	4. How Nightmares Happen

"_I won't be able to come around here for much longer. You know that, right?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Does that bother you?"_

"_Yeah. But…even if we can't see each other anymore, it doesn't change anything. I'll still be me, and you'll still be you. Even when I'm dead, we won't feel any differently."_

"_Poetic of you."_

**Disclaimer:** If Bleach were mine, why would I be writing fanfiction?  
**Spoilers** for both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs.  
**A/N:** I don't really need to put the spoilers and disclaimer up anymore, but I like things to be even. I AM REALLY SORRY FOR THE DELAY And…_whaaaaat? Arrancar addressing Momo-chan as _"Hinamori-sama?" Eh, here's my logic with this: Hinamori is worthless to use in emergencies as a hostage against Seireitei if she is an Arrancar, so instead Aizen gives her military power and keeps her a shinigami. Sufficient? Thanks to Kalow, Snowy Peach Tsubasa, Nymphadora1196, and Icetiger13 for your lovely reviews.

* * *

C H A P T E R | F O U R: HOW NIGHTMARES HAPPEN

**C H A N G E**

Toshiro found change to be uncontrollable, sweeping, vaguely frightening, and irreversible.

Momo found change to be easy.

For these reasons, change was a mutually depressing concept.

**A C C E P T A N C E **

After nearly half a decade, the blizzards in Seireitei died down.

***

"Good morning Aizen-sama," she greeted him each morning, and he would match her tone, "Good morning, Hinamori-san."

Her existence was so simple to him: she lived because she was useful, and she lived because he found himself enjoying the show he put on for her as the "good guy," just as when he was a shinigami. He would not ordinarily describe himself as a nostalgic man, yet her naiveté and fear of disappointing others—most importantly, himself—was somehow charming. Regardless of this, he was actually amazed she had gotten to Hueco Mundo. He would not deny her talent for kidou, but was she had shown to be _brilliant _with a little applied pressure. Admittedly, that could prove useful.

Momo would have never thought twice that her taicho would ever consider killing her—which was a bit strange, considering he had already run her through with a sword once—but even in that situation, she was under the impression he had not intended to end her life.

As days went by, she settled into the research which Aizen had suggested, and as weeks passed, the Espada gradually began to resent her less and less. Even in Soul Society, her captain had never entrusted her with so much responsibility, having the Arrancar call her by "Hinamori-sama" and having Tousen guide her through military basics so she could take command if Soul Society managed to reign war on them. All in all, she felt comfortable as long as she managed to evade the past. Some days she felt something akin to _normal_.

There were times though, ones she didn't let anyone see, where she still had panic attacks.

**R E A L I Z A T I O N**

After about a year, she couldn't lie to herself anymore.

Her captain, her kind, beautiful, selfless captain was truly evil.

His brilliance—doubtless it shone through. A few small mistakes here and there though—well, she was no match for his intelligence, but far from dull—were enough to make it clear. Make _everything _clear.

It was something out of a horror film. She was trapped, outnumbered, and scared.

Inside, she screamed so loud it hurt her ears, but to his face, she said, "Good morning, Aizen-sama."

***

"Keep in line!" Toshiro barked, eyeing the stream of shinigami as they passed into Hueco Mundo.

"How much longer will the portal stay open?" Kira, the third's acting captain asked.

"Six minutes. We're fine." Peering towards the cold, pale castle in the nearby distance, he ordered, "Take your teams to their respective entry sites. North Squad, follow me."

**T H E | E N D**

INFILTRATION. INFILTRATION.

This was audible, even in the darkness.

Momo rubbed her head, moving her bangs out of her eyes. Her senses, still slipping out of a lazy dream-state, fragmented her thoughts (_What time—now—dark—is it?) _but she made an effort to shake the haziness.

INFILTRATION…

And then it became clear: "Attention all residents of Las Noches: this is Tousen Kaname speaking. Our walls have been breached by the Gotei Thirteen. Naturally, we must prepare to fight. All report to the front gates for further orders."

"Soul Society!" Hinamori breathed just as Las Noches was rocked with the first explosion.

She stifled a scream as the force pinned her to the wall. Collapsing to her knees, she regained composure quickly and considered what kind of strategy they would most likely attempt.

_They'd attack from all sides. They're trying to break down the walls. We're surrounded._

She'd never actually considered the possibility of their army falling before, and only now wondered about what would become of her if they lost. _(Probably nothing worse than if we don't lose, actually.) _Even though she'd never met a resident of the citadel who hadn't been complacent with their personal strength, the shinigami were capable of fighting as one.

_Come on, go! You can't let them kill your friends, even if they think you're a traitor._

"Alright," she agreed with herself and flash-stepped down the corridor.

When she reached the entrance, she found a worryingly insignificant legion of Arrancar waiting for her.

"You. Hinamori-_sama_," a pink-haired Espada's tone addressed her with a level of disrespect she was actually comfortable with. "Aizen-sama, Tousen-sama, and Ichimaru-sama have already led out their squads. Direct us to the northern wall."

"Right," she squeaked meekly, then remembered she was a leader now. _A leader that's about to destroy the people she cares about. _"Head out. Uh..stay close behind!"

Half of them rolled their eyes. What were they, children?

As the small wave of Arrancar flash stepped towards the north wall, an thunderous bang rumbled the ground beneath. Momo swallowed as rock toppled down on itself.

"Mask of flesh and blood, all creation, flutter of wings," shouted a line of shinigami who were preparing to perform kido, "ye who bears the name of man!"

"Stop!" she demanded in way she hoped sounded commanding and not as childish as she had heard it in her ears.

They did. Not just the ones who were working away at the wall, either: all of them. They stared at her in her clean robes, the ones that were white in all the places theirs were black, and black where white was intended to be. Some were shocked, some disappointed, some even seemed remotely satisfied. But they were _all _furious, because the beloved (more than she ever knew) and respected (more than she ever knew) Momo Hinamori had left Soul Society when it needed her most without even saying goodbye.

Their leader emerged from the rows.

Hinamori's breath hitched as he came forward.

_Hitsugaya-kun._

He was not very physically different—certainly more muscular but if he were any taller, she couldn't tell from the distance. It was his expression that was frightening and new. Toshiro was angry, an emotion he had always shielded from her and only let shine when he was at the brink of his sanity. Had she done this to him? And if she had, what had exactly happened when she wasn't there to stop it?

Removing Hyorinmaru from its secure place around his back, Toshiro's tousled white hair glinted in the light. Momo only had a moment to assess the situation: she was not on Aizen's side, but Soul Society would never believe her to be on their side, either. So she was isolated. Obviously, she couldn't let the Arrancar kill the people she'd cared about for so long, especially not Hitsugaya, so she told them with false confidence, "They're about to attack. Do not show your full strength. Just wear them out. I'll take their leader."

"Whatever," the Octava Espada responded as the two sides clashed.

***

The childhood friends, the _enemies, _instinctively put twenty yards between themselves and the rest of the fight.

And so the dance began.

Sparks flew, both literally and figuratively, as metal grinded against metal. They knew each other's next move like it had been choreographed, but it had been a thousand times over when they had trained.

He was hitting so much harder than in training.

"I don't want to hurt you," Momo whispered as they pressed their swords together. His strength was clearly dominating hers.

"You already have," he responded like ice.

"Please," she begged as she quickly withdrew and repositioned Tobiume against his zanpakuto, almost losing her balance.

"Please _what_? Leave you be? Let you _run away_?" He stared at her with turquoise eyes she had always, _always _been able to find warmth in, but no matter how desperately she searched now, all she saw was the ice. "Not likely."

She was nothing to him anymore. Oh _God, _she was _nothing _to him anymore.

Nothing to anyone.

"You don't know what you're doing," she insisted desperately, pressing her zanpakuto forward with all her might against his. "You don't know what _I'm _doing!"

For a second, he looked genuinely confused and some of the anger melted. _FOCUS, _Hyorinmaru commanded. Flash stepping around her, kicking Tobiume out of her hands, and tightly wrapping an arm around her waist, Hitsugaya held Hyorinmaru to her throat.

"Before I kill you, tell me why you left."

Tears poured down her face as she prepared to be released from her nightmare. "I—I left to find out why Aizen-sama b-betrayed us."

"And? You joined him? You betrayed us just as easily; all for _him?!_" he fumed, although it was more of accusation than a question. She could only whimper frustratedly in response, struggling to be free, furious that she had lost so easily.

"I DIDN'T BETRAY ANYONE!" she shrieked. "And don't you EVER say it like that! Don't you EVER say it like I had ANY OTHER CHOICE!"

"Choice?" he muttered. "I thought you loved him."

As she flew into the exterior wall of Las Noches, stone tumbling down on top of her, she wondered, _he's not going to kill me? _Then there was pain and it became very, very dark.

**W A K I N G | U P**

_Is she insane? _Hyorinmaru wondered.

_She was already dead to me, _Hitsugaya replied.

_If you think that, you're not as smart as I thought, _the dragon said and left him to his thoughts.

***

She woke up in bed and spent a moment considering whether or not everything had been a dream.

She wasn't in the fourth division, though—she was in a cell.

"She's awake!" the timid voice of Isane Kotetsu alerted. Immediately, Momo's arms were restrained; she opened her mouth but a large hand clamped over it before she could speak. Five shinigami crowded around her; four held her down and one prepared a sedative which she was hastily given. Her body went boneless. They stepped back.

"U-uh…um…H-Hinamori Momo," the Fourth Division fukutaicho murmured. Clearing her throat, she spoke louder, "You are a traitor to Soul Society. Aizen's army—your army was brought down three days ago and you have been brought back to Seireitei along with the other traitors. Your…execution…is forty days from now. Until then…you will be detained in the Tenth Division jail while the higher priority executes are t-terminated. That—that is all," Isane finished before her voice cracked, and she turned from the room.

Her voice was broken. Her scream was silent.

**T H E | B E G I N N I N G**

"Think about it," Matsumoto told her captain. "You say she loved him? Of course she wouldn't believe he was a traitor, then."

Silence from the other side of the office door. Honestly, sometimes having Hitsugaya as her captain was like raising a moody teenager.

"She felt the same way about Aizen as you did when she left. You don't even know what went on when she was in Hueco Mundo." Lowering her voice, she added, "Besides, you don't have much longer. Talk to her or you'll regret it."

There was more silence, but the depressing reiatsu he was emanating lightened. Satisfied with her day's work, Rangiku left in search of Kira for some celebratory drinking. After all, the Arrancar had finally been defeated.

* * *

**A/N: **The final bridge till the HitsuHina stuff happens! I actually already wrote chapter five, but in my panic of being behind, I hadn't realized I'd went on longer than I was supposed to. -_-;; Anyway, I don't like this addition but it needed to happen. Poor planning on my part, I know. At least chapter five will come with more haste! Tell me what you thought, pretty please with Tite Kubo on top? **Review** for my sanity's sake! Oh, and if you do, let me know how your holiday was! Happy holidays to all! *voice cracks* e_o

Whoa. I'm going nuts. School starts tommorow, but maybe I need the brain excercise after a week of video games, snow, and gluttony.  
Um,  
Rowena the Lazy-Crazy


	5. How Fast We Fall In Love

"_Compared to everyone around us, we're no more than children."_

**Disclaimer: **Bleach will never be mine. Ever.  
**Spoilers **for both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs!  
**A/N: **This took way. Too. Long. But…it's the birth of the official HitsuHina-ness of it, so I hope it's passable! My first ever attempt at relationships to enter the Brave, New World of the internet. This chapter is a bit of a different structure since it's all one scene. A lot happens in it, though. And thanks to ShadowedDagger Rips Asunder, PrincessOfHeartsNYP, Snowy Peach Tsubasa, unformidable trust, Harrharr, Nagasasu, and Angela for reviewing. You guys make me happier than you know :D

* * *

C H A P T E R | F O U R: How Fast We Fall In Love

**I M P O S S I B L Y**

"Why?" Toshiro asked, leaning against the wall opposite her cell.

"I'm sorry," she begged.

"I didn't come here for an apology. Why?"

"I'm sorry I left. I hadn't meant to stay. I was supposed to come back."

"I don't care about that. _Why _did you go? Answer that."

"I left b-because…"

"Because?"

"Be..cause…I…"

"Missed your precious captain? Felt like risking your life for him even after it was obvious he didn't care if you lived or died? Because you thought he loved you _far_ too much to hurt you, no matter what else he did?" His words slashed through her resolve, hot and fast.

"Shut up!" Momo snapped. "Don't tell me anything else about love! You think I didn't know he was a traitor? You think I'm really that _dumb _to be fooled for six years?" She was shaking with her fury, but she looked so pathetic and tiny crumpled up in her cage.

Toshiro's voice was sharp and unforgiving. "Yeah, Hinamori. I _do_."

"Then that's why I left. You never respected me. You never trusted me. I thought my captain did and I didn't want to lose that from my life. But if you think I left because I _loved _him, you are sadly, sadly mistaken."

"Right. So you just _acted _like you loved him. Working late, running errands, putting your life on the line for his—it was an act? Please. If you aren't dumb, then what _are _you, a liar?"

"I'm a coward."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, I'm nothing more than a coward. Even after I _knew _he was lying, I stayed. I did everything he told me to and a big part of me didn't even mind. I didn't even try to escape. I was too afraid to come back or to even _try_, Shiro-chan!"

"Don't try that. Don't Shiro-chan me. You're nothing but a traitor, a shame to Soul Society. I don't care if you were trying to do the right thing and neither does anyone else. You crushed so many people when you left."

He was still caught up in the anger which stirred the air around him, mouth prepared to fire off another retort to whatever she snapped at him this time. But she didn't respond. Her façade of fury had shattered under the pressure, the heat, the anger. Small, muffled sobs came from her cell.

"I know, Hitsugaya-kun."

He forgot how to feel anger towards her in that moment: her amber eyes glistened with tears, her voice weighed down with terrible grief. Her tiny shoulders looked like they would collapse from the weight of it all as she hugged herself, curled up in a ball like a child. Her hair was tousled and matted and clung to her shoulders. The girl in the cell was only that—a girl—while he had become a man in her absence. He wanted to smooth her hair, tell her it was alright, like she had done for him when he was just a pitiful, parentless boy in Rukongai.

"Hinamori…" he began softly, and she flinched away. "I'm going to go get you some warm water and a washcloth. You look terrible."

She didn't know what to say except "Okay."

When he returned, Toshiro punched in the code on the number pad and the kido barrier subsided around her cell for a moment. He let himself in.

"Here you are," he said. Water sloshed over the sides of the bucket as he placed it down with a small thud.

"I wish you knew how sorry I am," she exclaimed almost as a protest when he dipped the rag in the sudsy water.

"Shut up about that for right now," he told her. "And stop moving around. You're not a toddler anymore; you look ridiculous covered in all that dust." He grabbed her tiny hand and moved the washcloth around in small, slow circles, trying to rid her of _Aizen, Espada, Hueco Mundo_. When her sallow skin began to redden beneath his grasp he loosened up, becoming more gentle as he wiped away the grime on her forearms.

Her face was burning such a bright shade of red, he almost smiled. Instead, he coughed and asked, "Are you overheated?"

"No, I'm just—" she protested, then relaxed. "I really missed you, Hitsugaya-kun. I missed you all the time, even when I did things I knew could end up hurting you." _Did you miss me? _Could _you have missed me?_

"I didn't know you did." Honesty seemed the only way to go in the situation. Besides, she would be gone soon enough—but no, no, no he wouldn't think about it right now and of course he wasn't sad, that would be crazy.

Unexpected guilt ebbed at his senses. The whole time she had been miserable. The whole time he had lived for the sake of bringing her down, he was so consumed with hatred. He had devised the very plan which had destroyed the Arrancar army, requested the Kido Corps who held the traitors captive, even told her he was going to kill her when he only intended to take her captive.

_What the _hell…_is my problem? _he asked himself, teeth clenched. He couldn't get angry, but how easy it would be—let his reiatsu wash over Seireitei, dragging down the temperature and people's spirits. _Without Momo, I was such a selfish jerk. And I wanted to destroy her without even considering the truth. For a "genius", I might just be the biggest idiot to have ever been._

"I'm sorry," she begged again, frightened by the power of his emotions.

"Don't say you're sorry!" he snapped. Lowering his voice, he continued. "_I'm _sorry. I hated—what you did. I wanted to take Aizen down." _I wanted to take him down because I thought you'd go with him. _"I wanted you to fall, too."

"He told me Seireitei was corrupt. I still don't know how true that is. I haven't _known _anything for a long time." Hinamori's voice became distant and almost nostalgic, and her breathing became shallow and fast. Toshiro quirked an eyebrow—he'd never seen this side of her before.

"Are you lying to me, Hitsugaya-kun? Or is this—an illusion? Is there _anyone _who knows the whole truth?"

Her voice was getting desperate and her eyes swiveled in his direction. "This happens sometimes," she choked before sliding away from him. She put her head down between her knees and her hands over her ears.

"Hinamori…Hinamori, what are you doing?" he asked her, louder than before. "Do I need to call Unohana-taicho?"

But it had already begun.

_Nonononono not now not again, he can't see me like this. I couldn't let Aizen see more than once or he'd have killed me and now maybe this isn't even real and Hitsugaya-kun will do the same and nonononono this can't—_

"Stop," Toshiro commanded, grabbing her hands away from her face and tilted her chin upwards. They stared at each other for a long moment, his concerned gaze boring into her foggy eyes. Finally, the glassiness subsided and she was Momo again.

"Thank you," she breathed, her relief fanning across his face.

"What was that?"

"It was almost an anxiety attack. But you stopped it."

He furrowed his brow. "How long has this been going on?"

She twisted her hands in her lap, eyes dropping for a moment. "Since I left."

"How _often_?"

"Only…only about once every week. But it's usually at night, so I won't do that again."

"Of course not," he agreed, then conjured his hell butterfly. "Unohana-taicho and Kotetsu-fukutaicho, this is Hitsugaya-taicho. I'm requesting anxiety medication for Hinamori Momo. If you need to give a diagnosis, tomorrow would be a better time to see her. Under the orders of the First Division General, she is not to leave her cell. Apologies for any inconvenience."

Sighing exhaustedly, he sat back down next to her. Their fingers brushed deliberately, but only for a fleeting moment. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. She was a traitor now. Holding hands made him a traitor, too.

"So we've forgiven each other now, right?" he proposed almost casually.

"Yeah," she sniffled.

"This isn't going to end well."

"I guess not," she agreed, and then she was in a tight embrace and they were both crying.

The tears were silent and their sobs contained. It could have been hours that passed but neither would have noticed. They cried because at the moment, it felt like everything could actually be okay. They cried because believing things could work out was mere immaturity. They cried because even though all of Soul Society was in a state of celebration, their hearts were being broken and fixed in cycles of relief and realization, and at this rate, holding on was going to tear the both of them to pieces.

On the cold floor of the cell, they shared warmth they hadn't felt in far too long.

Finally, the soft tinkling of a hell butterfly forced Toshiro to clear his throat and stand up. He listened half-heartedly to Isane's message, that all captives would receive check-ups due to ethical policy, and rubbed his eyes awkwardly. He had only cried once since his parents had died decades ago and the swollen feeling was alarming. He sighed, and the sound came out battered and uneven.

"You changed a lot, didn't you?" Momo asked in a small voice.

"I could say the same about you."

"You're still smaller than me."

"I bet you still wet the bed."

They half-smiled. There was a pause when they realized how tightly they were pressed together, and Hinamori's eyes stretched in frightened wonderment.

"What are getting ourselves into?"

"Nothing good. But things can't get much worse, right?"

Their faces were so close together Hitsugaya barely had to close the distance when his lips captured her own.

* * *

How, in such a short span of time, had they fallen in love again?

* * *

**A/N: **Bawww, more sadness. I'm not even going to lie. This is a depressing story. The beginning, middle, and end are all depressing. But I swear, it will be justified! In the mean time, review to cheer me up from the midterm blues! I beg of you, it doesn't have to be an essay, just leave me your thoughts.

Exhaustedly,  
Rowena


	6. How We Cope

"_I'm happy. Is that weird, Shiro-chan? I'm about to die, but I've never been so happy."_

"_Of course not. You're _always _weird."_

_"Was that a joke I heard, Hitsugaya-taicho?"_

_"Perhaps, it was, Hinamori Momo."_

**Disclaimer:** If Bleach were mine, I'd have whiter whites. (Failed joke.)  
**Spoilers **for both Soul Society and Hueco Mundo arcs!  
**A/N: **Wow, I went an entire month without updating. Sorry; school, work, you know the rap. Anyway, I apologize if this chapter seems anticlimactic or boring in any way. There will only be two more chapters after this and both should be emotional enough you'd think Bleach is a shojo manga. I'll have fun writing those, so expect them sooner! Now, read, enjoy, and most importantly, review! PS, I hope you guys don't mind a dusting of GinRan. It was really vital to the story.

* * *

C H A P T E R | S I X: How We Cope

**H O N E S T Y**

Late in the night, Hinamori's eyes fluttered open.

_Aizen must be dead by now._

She shut them again, waiting to feel something.

**B L A M E**

He couldn't remember mercy, but he attempted it anyway.

The sun had not yet spilled over the mountains surrounding Seireitei, but all of the Tenth Division's seated officers were already awake. Execution days were the busiest for Toshiro; all of his subordinates had specific orders that had to be followed out precisely in the name of tradition. He didn't particularly care one way or another for tradition, but he despised the paperwork that came with disobeying it, so carried out Seireitei's will as was called for.

Moving quickly down the corridor, Matsumoto in half-hearted tow behind, Hitsugaya stopped abruptly when he reached a heavily guarded door. After Hitsugaya barely sustained several kido spells at once, the lock finally clicked open in response.

He paused and considered his options.

_Say nothing._

_Say something._

He went with the latter.

"Matsumoto. If you want to talk with him, I won't tell anyone."

Rangiku didn't verbalize her gratitude but offered a solemn embrace instead—nothing reminiscent of the zealous hugs she had a habit of imposing upon him before Momo left.

"You enter first, then. I can only wait here five minutes or we'll be suspiciously behind schedule." Toshiro managed, but the blood was roaring in his ears. Was it possible to be sick with relief?

_I'm not the only one in love with one of the worst criminals in Soul Society history._

"Well, Rangiku. It's been a while," said Gin Ichimaru.

**R E D E M P T I O N**

Hinamori could see it now: the epicenter of The Court of Pure Souls; the place where only the worst criminals were sentenced to die.

_I'm one of them now._

The last thing she had remembered before her coma was the ever-quickening approach of one Rukia Kuchiki's execution. Of course, Rukia had been locked up in the thin, white tower which twisted skywards near Soukyoku Hill, but the security of that building was nowhere near high enough to contain such unwilling criminals as herself. Momo allowed a bitter smile; she would never hurt a fly unless it went against Soul Society. Yet the atmosphere in her room emanated kido, she could feel it twist as she exhaled and it made the air hot and uncomfortable to take in. She recognized all of the spells. It was quite clever, actually; she wondered if perhaps the kido corps had been the ones to invent it, layering each spell at such a precise frequency.

Though she knew the worst was to come for her if she dared to suppress the magic, Hinamori managed to create a sphere around her where the air was cool and the humidity dispersed.

Continuing down the same trail of thought, she stared once again at the execution grounds. Her chest thumped noisily, and she became aware that her very heartbeat was perched at the top of the Soukyoku, fluttering in the screaming wind. Her throat tightened. Momo _knew _there were things worse than death, but now with the prospect of Toshiro…_loving _her, she couldn't bear to bring any more people down than she already had. Already the visitors had begun to trickle in to visit her, faces shadowed with hurt, turning their grief into her guilt. Somehow she couldn't picture the other defects receiving these lengthy speeches. They knew only _she _could be hurt by words. They knew only _she _cared.

She sat through their rants solemnly, mumbling no more than _hello _and _thank you_. What was the point in retaliation? There would be no trial for her. It didn't matter that she had never wished to fulfill Aizen's wishes; she had anyway, without question. Regret surfaced and she released an anguished sob.

"No, no, no…be strong," Hinamori coaxed herself. Hitsugaya-kun was _so _strong. Physically, yes, and even more so at present than she had ever remembered, but she meant _internally._She had ranked as a fuku-taicho because of her ambition, her careful pride, her sweet modesty. Where was that girl now? Had she run away when faced with challenge?

The confidence, long-buried, burst from deep within, gasping for air. It was final.

"Just once before I die, I'll redeem myself."

**S M I L I N G**

Twelve noon. Execution time. The silver-haired Ichimaru was smiling as he marched up Soukyoku Hill.

The process was only slightly less zealous than the infamous Aizen's. Yamamoto-taicho still insisted upon using words like "pathetic," "disgraceful," and "sickening." Matsumoto's hand was clamped on his shoulder, rigid. While he couldn't say he was close to his vice captain anymore, something akin to sympathy irritated his heart.

"Any last words?" Yamamoto finally asked.

The sly man only widened his grin, and almost imperceptibly tilted his head towards Rangiku. "Sorry. It was fun while it lasted, eh?"

Hitsugaya only heard the roaring of his fiery end. He couldn't look. Nightmarish visions of Hinamori at the Soukyoku plagued him.

Cheers erupted from the crowd, and he and Matsumoto fled the scene before anyone would notice how horribly either of them were shaking.

**C H O O S I N G | T O | L I V E**

"How are you?" Hitsugaya asked ironically.

"Oh. I'm better, actually," Hinamori admitted.

He sat down on the cot next to her, looking her in the eyes. Their hands touched, fingers wove together. She was still so small-seeming, like if he made the wrong move he could break her heart.

"I'm not going to let them kill you," he declared.

Her hazel eyes widened, shining, skeptical. "But—"

"No buts. I can't let them do this. Aizen was using you and there was nothing you could do to stop him—they'll have to listen to reason. You fled to Hueco Mundo in a state of psychosis. You have a legitimate, medical excuse. If I backed you up, and if they would listen to what you have to say, you could be spared. And we don't have to stop loving each other," he added quietly.

"Hitsugaya-kun…" she whispered. "I—I don't know what to say."

"Then let's hurry. We don't have a lot of time to validate the request—"

"_No! _I mean…no. You aren't thinking clearly. I know…how you want to protect me. You always have. But what will I be if I live? The girl who loved Aizen? That's what they call me already, isn't it?"

His heart tightened and voice became cold. "Never say that. People think if they die with dignity it's not as bad. Like death would be a relief, because of that. You'd be _dead, _Hinamori. You'd _feel_ no relief. You'd _feel_ no_ anything_!"

"So you think I wouldn't feel love, either, right?" she asked, voice quavering. "I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. If living means I won't hurt you again, then I'll live."

Toshiro relaxed his tightened shoulders. "Thank you, Momo. I'm going to go speak with the first division now."

**A R T I C U L A T I O N**

"Hitsugaya-taicho."

"Good afternoon, Yamamoto-taicho. Thank you for taking the time to see me this afternoon," he intoned, careful to maintain a stony façade. "I'm here to consult you about the execution of the former Shinigami, Hinamori Momo. She has been under my care in the tenth division and I believe her punishment to be inappropriate."

The old man's eyebrows narrowed. "Is that so? Would you care to elaborate?"

And so the game of articulation began. "It would almost seem fair for one to argue that she was more of a prisoner in Hueco Mundo than an accomplice of Aizen Sosuke. She fled there without full understanding of the situation, and assisted him against her will, in self-preservation. Everyone has the right to protect his or her own life. Naturally, she figured out that his intentions were malicious, and that if she disobeyed him, she herself would fall victim to him for a second time. It is also noteworthy to point out her mental condition upon arriving in Hueco Mundo. Clearly she was in a psychotic state, and Hinamori herself commented on suffering from frequent anxiety attacks after arrival, an obvious symptom of severe depression. I'm confident that this is enough evidence alone to prove her innocence."

Yamamoto looked furious. "Ridiculous. Her execution will take place as planned."

_No! _"Why?" he asked, struggling to maintain composure.

"Besides the treason charges, she illegally opened a portal to Hueco Mundo. That alone is enough to sentence her to death," Yamamoto declared. "I don't appreciate your condescending tone, either, boy."

"But she was--"

"What? Insane? So were they-Aizen, Tousen, Ichimaru. They were all insane; they tried to annihilate us. It's no excuse. Now leave, boy, there's nothing left to say."

_Boy? _Was he being patronized for his age, all because Yamamoto's pride had been hurt by a few traitors? A chill settled over the room. But—no, no, no, he had to contain it! If they figured out he loved Momo, he'd be guilty by association. Then she'd never have a chance—!

The second he was out of the building, the darkening clouds split, bleeding their life onto Seireitei. There'd be hail tonight.

* * *

A/N: Oh my atheist. Ew. That last line was morbid. At least I resisted temptation to implement the word "exsanguiate."

Okay, so not the most exciting of chapters, but that means all the more worthwhile your reviews are to me! Thanks for all the support you guys have given me so far and I hope you'll continue in the future.

Sheepishly,  
Rowena. Baaaaa.


	7. How Serenity Blooms From Chaos

_"Please, Momo, don't waste time worrying. I won't let them touch you."_

_"There's not much risk involved in anything for _me _anymore, Hitsugaya-kun. It's _you _I'm worried about."_

**Disclaimer:** Bleach isn't mine. *stabs at URL with mouse*  
**Spoilers** for EVERYTHING D:  
**A/N:** Late _blah blah blah_ school _blah blah blah_ busy _blah blah blah_ sorry _blah blah blah_. I mean, at this point it's obvious I have punctuality issues. Not much to say about this chapter except that this will be succeeded by Ending Number One! I'm not sure if it will be the happy or the sad one first, but the sad one I've actually already written most of...so yeah. Limitless thanks and virtual hugs to my reviewers! You spur this story onward (T.T I'm so shallow...)

* * *

C H A P T E R | S I X: How Serenity Blooms From Chaos

**C O N C E N T R A T I O N**

He wouldn't give up, anyway. That would be ridiculous. If reason didn't work, he'd have to use something else.

_But what? Force? _Hyorinmaru nagged.

Force could work. Potentially. Certainly there were many, if not a majority of captains who were stronger than him, with the kind of immense power it took more years than he'd been alive to control. Besides captains, though, he was stronger than everyone else, meaning force was an advantage.

_But not the solution._

Stealth? Well, obviously it could come in handy. But what would he do? Break her out and then have the both of them separated and sentenced immediately? Where would he bring her?

Hitsugaya would have to consider his options further at a later time. He finished absent-mindedly signing the last form in his mountain of paperwork. It was time to visit Hinamori.

**F A K E | I T**

They talked for as much time as he could spare, every day.

Lately he'd been making more and more space in his schedule to be with her. It was a make-shift, pathetic kind of lifestyle and neither party remained in denial. Instead they talked about a time less than a decade ago, when they'd both daydreamed about the life they could have had—_would _have had together. She'd become a captain with Aizen gone; doubtless she had the talent. In meetings, they'd shyly exchange glances situated among the most powerful Shinigami in Soul Society, earning a quizzical glare from Kenpachi who mistook Momo's coy smile as one intended for him, not the boy situated a foot to his left.

They'd revel in the excitement of those around them when it became clear they were finally together. Marriage would come after that, and there would be arrangements for them to live together. The fifth and tenth divisions would train together and align in battle, as their captains fought back to back. Children as well, eventually, a brown-eyed little boy and a white-haired girl. They'd live in Seireitei and enter the academy young, happy to join their parents.

It was such a ridiculous fantasy, Toshiro and Momo would laugh at themselves for hours.

It was not nearly as painful as she would have imagined. Hinamori knew how lucky she was that she, who maybe deserved to die, could spend her final weeks with the boy she loved. She suppressed the sad undertone that it would end, and the resulting emotion was "bittersweet."

Toshiro was not as happy as her. She wished he could be, wished she could tell him how wonderful this was even if it meant her demise, compared to the prison Las Noches was for her. The Arrancar had all been cold, self-centered people, and working under her wicked captain, plastering on fake smiles except when she was alone in her room, when the only sound was her heart fluttering like a caged butterfly.

"Remember the gang near our home?" she asked, grinning.

"They were hardly a gang. They didn't even qualify as post-pubescent."

"We were so young I don't think it made a difference."

Hitsugaya considered this. "True. What about them, Momo?"

She smiled again, letting herself relax onto his shoulder. "I was thinking about how we really met. Before you lived with us. You remember, don't you?"

Of course he did. How could he forget the first time he'd laid eyes on her? She was nothing short of a fascinating, albeit perplexing girl, and when he saw just what kind of trouble he was in, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for her. The boys pushed her around and teased her menacingly. They towered around her on all sides, grabbing her by the sleeve, holding to her face a fragment of glass that glinted in the sun.

Yet her soft, hazel eyes did release a single tear. There was certainly caution, certainly _fear _in them, but these did not override her innocent bravery. _She's stupid, _he thought. _No, naïve. She doesn't really think they'll hurt her._

"Leave me alone," he heard her say as he approached quietly, "I-I don't have any money or food. I don't have anything to offer you."

"Oh, but you _do_," insisted the boy who clenched her shoulders. Toshiro felt sick.

"Please—don't make me hurt you," Momo insisted. _Clever bluff, _he thought. But he could help her if she was smart enough to go along with it. Silently, he slinked up from behind. She only trained her eyes on him for a moment, then flickered them back to the older boy.

"Now!" Hitsugaya commanded, and she summoned a hovering ball of kido in an instant. The menacing boys scrambled back, cursing. He dropped to the ground, swinging his leg out, both disarming and disabling the leader.

They ran for it. Jerking to the left to lose them, he and Hinamori tumbled down a rocky hill and crushed each other once they reached bottom.

"Oww," she groaned, rubbing her head. "Thank you."

"What a jaded predisposition. You thought they wouldn't hurt you because you're a little girl. Honestly."

She frowned, retorting, "I know that people get hurt in this world, even if it is the afterlife."

He usually wouldn't respond, usually would just walk away, but he was so fascinated and even confused about her motivation.

"Of course you did. Was that kido harmful?"

"Oh," she smiled, stifling a giggle. She had a nice, chime-y laugh. "No, it was just some regular old spirit energy. It's my default defense, though, since most people can't tell." The girl paused. "I'm Hinamori Momo. Nice to meet you."

"Toshiro Hitsugaya. Now get home."

She did not desist. (_Naturally, _he thought.)"Hitsugaya! I know your family name. My parents were friends of yours."

"Were?"

"Oh…they…well, they got killed." She offered a painful half-smile, an _It's no big deal, I swear._

"Right. I'm sorry."

A moment passed where there was only wind and silence.

There was little more to their first meeting, with minimal grace or romance involved. Slightly annoyed and incredulous, Toshiro left for his own house. Only a month later, his parents suffered the same fate as Momo's and he moved in with her and her grandmother.

His thoughts hurtled towards the present.

"How could I forget, dummy?"

"Just checking," she said, but her eyes got darker for a moment and her voice dropped. "Toshiro…I know how hard you're working to save me, but…if you're going to get hurt, please stop." At this point, her voice dropped even lower. "If you knew what I was like in Hueco Mundo, you'd know I'm not worth it."

She expected him to get angry, but instead he just quirked a silver eyebrow. "You can keep saying that, but it's never going to change my mind."

"What if I told you it would make me happy if you stopped?"

"Then I'd call you a liar."

She smiled. He knew just how much she wanted to live. Even after the mask she wore for Aizen, she still wasn't very good at hiding the truth.

As the sun sunk over the horizon, Hitsugaya silently slipped from the jail room, remasking it with kidou. There was not much time left for him to rescue Momo. It was—what, the second of June? That only left three days for him to solve the whole situation.

_The second of June…_

He paused, hand resting on his office door. There was something else he had to do first.

**G O S S I P**

"I don't trust him," Nanao admitted, to which Shunsui found he could not respond.

"Hitsugaya has not been the same since we won in Hueco Mundo," Isane meekly pointed out.

"This is ridiculous. We're freaking out over an _improvement _in his personality?" Hisagi rolled his eyes, leaning back to grab another drink. Seireitei was unseasonably warm, and most of the captains had been relaxed without much consequence since they'd conquered Aizen.

"I wouldn't describe our concern as _freaking out, _Hisagi-taicho," Unohana offered. "Although the last decade has been one driven by our own paranoia, has it not?" She smiled.

Everyone nodded in agreement. Kira simply stared, if a little darkly, at the silhouetted rooftops. _Am I the only one who sort of still trusts Momo at all, besides Renji?_

"Here's how I see it," Ukitake spoke up suddenly. "If Hitsugaya has had feelings for Hinamori Momo since _before _she was captured by Soul Society—and _that_ I believe we are all in agreement on—why would he act any less level-headedly and composed now? If anything, he's been much less cold lately so I'd hardly call him depressed about her execution. We shouldn't worry about it, especially since the other three defects have already been brought to justice at Soukyoku."

"But Hinamori wasn't about to die_ before_ she was captured," Soi Fon said, to which nobody found they could respond.

**H A S T E**

"I have something to show you," Hitsugaya informed her urgently. Momo furrowed her brow thoughtfully, but didn't find any idea of what he was referring to.

"Today is an important day that requires extreme measures. We're going to sneak out for a little." His voice was steel, but his teal eyes glittered excitedly.

"Where to?" she asked, grinning.

Hitsugaya pulled her to his side and put an arm tightly around her. On impulse, she blushed as he pulled a dark cloak over their heads. "Kisuke Urahara designed a reiatsu-blocking cloak over a hundred years ago, but there's only one. We'll have to share."

She nodded. "I know a few illusionary spells. Unless another kido-expert is nearby, nobody should see us and I can leave behind something of a 'copy' of myself here to be safe."

"Perfect. It's about an hour's walk. Let's hurry."

And so, in broad daylight, they strolled out into the streets of Seireitei together. Even if no one could see, they both quietly pretended their relationship was "okay."

**G I F T S**

"We're here."

She looked around. They were in Rukongai's first district, their hometown, in front of their home. It was empty and somehow faded, but still _theirs. _

"I don't know what to say." It was the truth, and better than speechlessness, she figured. She rubbed her stinging eyes, then filtered away the harsh twilight sun with her hands. "Why are we here?"

"Happy birthday, Hinamori Momo!" He mustered with his best enthusiasm, producing a watermelon from almost nowhere. "It's the third of June, and I can't count how many of those have passed since I've first loved you. It's not much, but I wanted to give you one more sunset."

"Sun…set?" she managed, her voice cracking. He silenced her with a kiss and they squeezed together on the porch.

Hinamori knew the sky was the same one she had seen in the past, and that the sun was still little more than an aging star. Never had she experienced such brilliancebefore. The radiance which touched everything had begun to subside, withdrawing its warmth as it sunk over the horizon. It slipped from between the broken glass window panes and out from under rocks and the bottoms of leaves. Sunsets, in reality, made Momo a little depressed, because the light was being stolen away from the world, but Toshiro had turned them into her fondest memory. Yet she was left breathless as the day seemed to reverse itself, gasping as the last glinting light was eradicated.

"We forgot to eat the watermelon," she whispered, still not sure what to say. Her heart was about to overflow with his love and her mind had grown numb.

"Dammit," Hitsugaya muttered suddenly, sweeping Hinamori off her feet. "It's later than I thought. We need to get you back."

"I'm not disabled! I can walk!" she protested, trying to wriggle free. Wow, he was strong.

"No time. Hold on, I'm going to have to flash step all the way back."

Her objections were decidedly futile, so she moved her arms around his neck and stared around him at the ever-shrinking home as they fled it for the last time.

* * *

**A/N: **Please, please, please, no matter what you think, no matter how brief, **review **before I take the final steps in writing the last chapter; it's the last chance for me to correct any major issues! And haha, that reiatsu cloak is real if you remember it.

Fatigued,  
Rowena


	8. What We Keep Beyond Death

"_It's just…sometimes I'm so scared of what life will be like without you, I can't even see or think. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to lose it again."_

"_Calm down, Shiro! Silly, you're not the one who's about to die."_

"_How can you say that so calmly?"_

"_I'm only bored of being sad all the time."_

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Bleach, I would STOP WITH THE INCESSANT SHONEN BATTLES. *twitch* Sorry, didn't mean to take out my frustration on you all. Haha.  
**Spoilers **for basically everything; I only write anymore this to satisfy my own, selfish, obsessive-compulsive needs. Next story, I'm using a less complex format -_-;;  
**A/N: **It's been a while. Well, I don't know if you guys are still out there, but I've been quite busy. I know I said that the HAPPY ending would come first, but I like my intended ending better. So here you go. I hope you like it!

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C H A P T E R | S E V E N: What We Keep Beyond Death

**S U R P R I S E**

"Come on," Hitsugaya urged Momo, tearing off the reiatsu cloak as they flew into her holding cell. Hinamori hastily masked the room in its regular kido. Quickly, she sat down upon her cot and looked intently at him, awaiting an explanation.

"Hinamori," he began, looking around, "you're going to have some visitors in a few minutes."

"What kind of visitors?" she asked cautiously. A knock on the door interrupted her. Toshiro opened it without asking who was there.

"Excuse me, Captain," said the man looming in the doorway. She caught sight of his badge—a First Division official.

_Oh no, _she thought, biting her lip, and her heart began to palpitate alarmingly for the first time since Toshiro had forgiven her. She looked to him frantically. _They've caught us and now they're going to take him away and—_

_It's alright, _Toshiro's gaze sternly reminded her.

"Allegedlytraitorous Hinamori Momo, I have come to present the following information," the guard began, clearing his throat. "Due to a certain degree of protest and classified evidence we have received concerning your approaching execution, policy states we must give you a trial with Central 46 to ultimately prove or disprove your innocence. Be warned that you will _not_ be let off easy, and you must be ready to be escorted at nine AM _exactly _tomorrow morning."

Trial?

Oh, God.

The butterflies trying to break out of her rib cage settled down, replaced by a wave of relief so strong she had to hold on to the edge of the bed to keep from falling over. She vaguely remembered nodding.

Turning to Toshiro, the older one said, "Hitsugaya-taicho, since it appears you were about to explain this situation to her, feel free to answer any questions she has. Good evening, now."

The officials excused themselves and exited the cell.

"It looks like they gave away the rest of my birthday gift to you," he said quietly, but there was a smile behind his words.

"You idiot," she whispered. He was taken aback for a moment, but he couldn't help but grin inwardly: _That's my_ _line._

"You had me so worried that something had gone wrong! I thought you were going to be killed just as I am going to be, and instead, you've I find out you've managed to accomplish a miracle?" Her mouth was twisted into a frown, but her eyes were bright. "I'm such a worrier. I just assumed the worst...sorry. It seems like I'm not completely better yet, but…I'll do my best, 'kay?" She smiled.

He closed his eyes, relieved. The way she was acting was normal, something eerily akin to her former self. And her voice was so much lighter. He felt it, too—this _past _self creeping up on him, something much more levity and youth.

_Finally, I've done something right. I know it._

"Get to sleep now, Hinamori. They're nothing short of hostile down in Central 46. There's not much of a chance that this will work if you aren't given the opportunity to explain yourself thoroughly. You'll need the rest."

She nodded, reaching out for his hand. "Goodnight, Toshiro."

"Sleep tight, Momo." And with that, he was gone.

**B R E A T H E**

She was wearing a simple white yukata and red collar. The guards had it around her neck like a leash. It was far from comfortable.

She didn't _dare _utter a word to them about it, though; this was her one chance. She had difficulty taking Histugaya's advice and spent most of the night planning her defenses, too jittery to sleep. The most important thing was to behave—absolutely no outbursts. No emotional instability whatsoever.

_Just breathe._

The light stung her eyes and cast a dramatic silhouette against the members of the elite group. Without warning, the first of several voices began to speak.

"Hinamori Momo, former Vice Captain of the Fifth Division: you are accused of drawing a sword against your superiors, opening portals to alternate dimensions without permission, conspiring against The Court of Pure Souls, and the highest level of treason."

Another voice boomed, "How do you plea?"

With all of her courage, she said, "Innocent."

"Besides yourself, do you have anyone else to act as witness to these claims?"

"Ah, yes! Renji Abarai is the first shinigami who agreed to testify for me."

"So be it. Abarai-fukutaicho, please present your case."

And so the battle began.

**Q U E S T I O N S**

"Now we will direct our questions at you, Hinamori Momo. If you fail to answer, or fail to answer honestly, you will assume automatic guilt. First: why did you break out of the Fourth Division and transport yourself to Hueco Mundo?"

"I had just awoken from a coma induced by my former captain, Aizen Sosuke. The first thing I heard upon waking was a conversation about him between Unohana-taicho and Isane-fukutaicho. At the time I couldn't understand the truth behind their words. I was sure his intentions were merely… misunderstood. I planned only on receiving an explanation and then returning to Seireitei. However, Aizen tricked me further into helping him using the claim that the rulers of Soul Society were corrupt." _Good. Keep it up,_ she could hear Hitsugaya telling her in her head.

"And you accepted this explanation?"

"I was not fully aware of the situation until I was recaptured."

"So you worked willingly for Aizen Sosuke and his accomplices for the entirety of your…_captivity_?"

"I figured out that he had lied to me less than a year into my time at Las Noches."

"And why didn't you stop at that point?"

"If I had told anyone I knew what was really happening, then…I would have been killed or used as a hostage against the shinigami."

"And what kind of work did you do for Aizen?"

"I…well. It was research, mostly."

"And what kind of research?"

"Arrancar creation and some kido, as well. And how to lead an army."

"And did you use this knowledge for the benefit of the Arrancar?"

"No…I…did not. I couldn't lead an army if I tried—"

"But witnesses state that on the day of the Hueco Mundo infiltration, you led Arrancar face to face with the Gotei 13."

"I did not let them attack."

"Alright then. Before we deliver a final decree, do you deny committing any of these crimes stated previously?"

"No. I do not."

"Then how will you justify your actions?"

"I was suffering from poor mental health, especially what Unohana-taicho recently diagnosed as General Anxiety Disorder. I have the papers available if you need proof. Also, I agreed to stay under a false impression that included the belief that I would not have to harm any shinigami. When this impression was shattered, _not _taking the actions I did could have endangered myself or Soul Society."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then allow us two hours to reach our decision. Wait outside."

**F R I E N D S**

"Didn't know you could speak that way," Renji said over his shoulder when she came out. "You don't seem like the public-speaking type much."

"Thank you," she replied, looking down. "I practiced beforehand. And thank you for letting them interrogate you. If they actually free me, it's thanks to you three."

"No problem." Renji waved it off.

"I think I owed you one anyway," Kira mumbled, though she wasn't exactly sure what he was referring to.

"We all only did what was right," Hitsugaya finished.

She looked down, ringing her hands. She still didn't think she deserved it after all she had seen, heard, and done in Las Noches, but now was not the time to bring that up.

"I'm only going to ask one more favor."

They nodded.

"If I am found guilty…please do not contradict them. Just—just tell everyone I will miss them, even if they hate me now!"

Slowly, Renji shrugged _yes_. Kira and Toshiro exchanged glances before doing the same.

A moment of silence passed between the four.

"Izuru-fukutaicho, Renji-fukutaicho. Your presence is no longer needed at this trial," one of the guards announced. "Please find your way out."

"Then we're out," Renji said casually. "Later."

"Good luck," Kira told them.

She nodded, chewing on her lip.

"Hinamori," Hitsugaya said, putting a cautious hand on her shoulder, "let's go wait on the bench in the hallway. No point in going far."

They moved to the low-swung seat and sat quietly. Most of the time passed with only worried, exchanged glances, subtle acts of affection, and nervous hand squeezes.

Finally, she cleared her throat. "I was serious before, Hitsugaya-kun. If they find me guilty, _don't _go against them. I don't regret the time I've had with you, so let me go knowing that you're safe."

He stared at her sadly, almost taken aback. But he could not protest. "I really promise," he whispered, daring a kiss on her cheek and an arm around her waist.

She smiled through her tears. "Thanks," she mustered. He pulled away and smiled knowingly.

"Now hurry," he said. "They've opened up the doors again. It's time."

**D E C I S I O N S**

Trembling palms, trembling vision, trembling everything.

The whole world was quaking beneath their feet, and she was the only one who felt it. Her vision blurred, pulsing in time with her rapidly beating heart. Her mind regressed to a quiet, vapid state, only aware of her own pulse and she felt the sick sensation of blood screaming through her veins.

They were speaking, but she couldn't hear. She couldn't see. In fact, she realized unconsciously, she'd become completely desensitized. Low voices rumbled like distant thunder in her ears, too obscure to comprehend.

Then, with a rush that nearly caused her to scream, her hands clapped tightly over her mouth, everything came back to her with painful clarity.

"Hinamori Momo…after careful consideration, the members of Central 46 have come to the concurrence that you are..."

_Please, _she begged silently. _I love him._

"Guilty."

"What?" she whispered, at a loss for words. "What?"

"Because of the nature of this case—you having cooperated willingly at any time for the greatest disgrace to Soul Society in history—and no way to prove you suffered from an anxiety disorder or poor mental health _during_ the time of your captivity—we cannot allow a change in punishment. However, you will be allowed the same honors a deceased Vice Captain would receive because of the time you served for us."

"I—I—" she stuttered, wanting to fade and shrink and cry like a child. She didn't get it. Was she supposed to _thank_ them? Was she supposed to protest? Call out? Say nothing?

Finally, she settled on "I understand."

**A P O L O G Y**

"I'm sorry," she whispered to him in the dim light of her cell.

"Shh..it's okay," he replied, running a hand through her hair. He wouldn't look at her though, wouldn't let her see him broken.

**T HE | E N D**

When he woke up on the morning of her execution, sun was streaming through the windows. The first spring birds were singing.

He felt like gravity was pressing a cinderblock onto his chest and his mouth was full of sawdust.

Hitsugaya went through the motions of getting ready, but he was more focused on not collapsing or throwing up or having a seizure. _So this is what it feels like_, he thought morbidly, _to have your heart ripped out in front of your eyes._

He and Matsumoto headed up Soukyoku Hill just before noon. She followed silently next to him, holding back tears. She wouldn't cry though—what kind of fukutaicho would she be if she cried and her captain didn't? Instead, the two stood solemnly among the other division officials.

It was beginning. He could feel the heat emanating downwards, the roar of the fire.

It took him a minute to register that something was not right. To understand what a pathetic end it would be if he didn't do something _now_.

And his eyes searched in a panic, a final, desperate wish for her, so high above everyone else. He couldn't _see _her; the sun screamed in his eyes where she was suspended in the air. Oh God, he couldn't _see _her, the girl who was everything, the girl who leave nothing for him in her wake, only a promise of time stretching out painfully far beyond his comprehension. _He couldn't see her._

The time of day, where the sun hung in the sky, by chance, had taken away his last moments with Momo.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

_Is anything supposed to be the way it turned out?_

Hyorinmaru, now, in his head. Speaking clearly. Booming.

_Are you going to let her die the way she is now?_

_Are you going to let her die not knowing the truth?_

The truth, the truth. Hinamori had never been privileged to truth, not in her time in the Fifth Division, not in her time in Hueco Mundo. She deserved truth, the girl who was honest and bare and so painfully _Momo _his heart ached for her. He couldn't deny her the truth. That would be cruelty beyond even Aizen's capacity.

So he opened his mouth. Wide.

The flaming phoenix roared brighter than the day.

"I LOVE YOU, HINAMORI MOMO!"

Again. What if he hadn't heard her? No, the panic among his peers was already clear; the damage was done, he had to say it again.

"I LOVE YOU, HINAMORI MOMO! I'VE ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVED YOU! AND I'LL NEVER STOP! I LOVE YOU, HINAMORI MOMO!"

His words had to reach her ears. _Had _to. His vice captain tried to restrain him, but he absent-mindedly pushed her away. His thoughts were galaxies away.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I _LOVE YOU, HINAMORI!_"

There! The change in her reiatsu! She had heard him, she knew! She knew!

And even though the ringing in his ears was louder than ever, her voice came through.

"I LOVE YOU TOO, TOSHIRO! I LOVE YOU, TOO!"

The wind blowing in her face was scalding with the heat of a thousand zanpakuto.

"I LOVE YOU!" she cried.

"I LOVE YOU!" he screamed back, so relieved.

"I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU!"

"I LO—"

And it happened, in a flash so brilliant and quick he didn't even notice. Her final, radiant moment was over. Reality was going to come crashing back down, soon. When it did, things would never be the same.

But this time, he was going to handle it.

**And this is what we keep beyond death…**

_Dear Toshiro,_

_In all of the universe, there is a singular thing which cannot be altered: our memories. What has happened, has happened irreversibly. Even though I've been robbed of my physical form by the time you read this letter, always cherish the time we spent. Memories are all that we can keep beyond death. _

_One would think something as intangible as a memory could easily be stolen away—so fragile, so precise, so delicate. But no one can make you forget. They can take away everything and you'll still remember someone's tinkling laughter or moonlight pooling on a bedroom floor or sunshine slipping through the leaves of a tree. So no matter what happens, I'm right here with you. _

_I love you, Shiro-chan. I've never regretted a moment spent with you._

_Hinamori Momo_

**THE END**

* * *

**A/N**: I hope you didn't mind the ending! It was the first thing I wrote in this whole story, and the most fun to write. Well, I mean…not _fun_; killing my favorite character isn't anything akin to fun, but it was the easiest part for me. Anyway, enough rambling. I'm off to pray to the deities of fanfiction that I will be able to write anything but a tragedy next time around. Leave me your thoughts, please!


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